If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
