She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The feeling are messing with the penis
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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