when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize