This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
two words...techno handjob
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
