Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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