so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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