So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize