Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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