Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
