Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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