Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
