how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
