I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
