Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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