I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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