What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
