I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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