I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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