Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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