so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
