I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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