Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
