can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
