I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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