Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
