I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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