You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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