i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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