My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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