I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Lo siento on account of my penis...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
