Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
