Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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