just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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