I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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