I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just had sex on a roof
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
