I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize