Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
