i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
