sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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