Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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