Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
