I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
