you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
