I need to stop coming to work sober
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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