I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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