Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
