My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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