On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
