I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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