also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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