new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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