When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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