piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
zippers are such a cool invention
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
