I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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